Sometimes we make choices that aren’t aligned with our values or best selves. Or maybe we ignore red flag behaviors on a date because we are human and there are a lot of factors that might affect decision-making. A few years ago, I made a choice, and I ended up having to use my empowerment self-defense skills.
Dating Awareness
This happened a few years before the pandemic. My friend invited me to attend her wedding, and I went solo. At the reception, I had fun dancing with a few of the groomsmen. Afterwards, the bride and groom invited their wedding party to one of the local clubs to continue the festivities. I was happy to be invited because I was flirting with one of the groomsmen. It was fun to keep up the flirtation while dancing at the club.
Everyone continued drinking at the club. I’d had two drinks at the wedding reception, but since I’d driven my car, I was unwilling to drink any more that night. The groomsman I ended up dancing with had no such limitations.
I offered to drive him home. I still wonder why I offered. I didn’t know him before that night, and he was very inebriated–everyone could tell. He had other friends there, and his behavior didn’t seem at all unusual for him. In fact, most of his friends shook their heads and said things like, “This is what he does.”
Red flag!
Choices
I’ve been teaching and volunteering to assist in empowerment self-defense courses for over a decade. If we try to impart one thing, it’s to identify red flag behaviors and either avoid the situation or set a strong boundary. This goes for any situation, but especially when dating. When I went to the wedding, I had these skills well in hand as an instructor.
But even self-defense instructors make mistakes. Or rather, let’s not even label them mistakes, because I don’t believe anyone “makes mistakes” when it comes to safety. We make choices. We use the information we have at the time to decide what to do, how to act, when to set boundaries, when to get away, when to negotiate, when to acquiesce. Boundary violations are NEVER our fault, even if we make choices that might end up in a situation that puts us alone in a car with a drunk person. It’s not easy to make decisions, especially when our guard is down after a night of dancing, cake, drinks, and public romantic gestures.
Dating Boundaries
So I let this very inebriated man get into the front passenger seat of my car. He directed me to his house somewhat coherently. Parked outside his house, I noticed it was 2:30am.
“Okay, here we are,” I said. It was an indicator that he should get out of the car. In the tired and “over it” state I was in, he was no longer looking good to me.
Still wearing his seatbelt, he leaned over to me. He said something like “Gimme a kiss” or “Come ‘ere.”
I turned my head away. “You should go in. It’s late.” I unbuckled my seatbelt. At the moment, I wasn’t thinking about why, I was just reacting. In retrospect, unbuckling my seatbelt was probably in response to his behavior, an instinctive response.
Again, he leaned in, his arms reaching out. He had a clear intention to kiss me.
“No,” I said, knowing I needed to be clear because the alcohol was affecting his brain cells. After a few seconds while he kept leaning over toward me, I backed up the boundary by pushing him gently back to his side of the car. “No,” I repeated.
We sat there a few more seconds. I looked around. “I’m tired. You should go in, sleep it off.”
But once again, he leaned over, hands stretching toward my shoulders. Face looming closer and closer. I did not want to kiss him. I had set my boundary in a variety of ways, both gentle and firm, and neither had worked. I really needed him to hear me this time.
“No!” I said, raising my voice. I accompanied it with a one-handed shove to the center of his chest. Something broke through this time; the force, volume, tone of voice, and body language I gave him all backed my boundary.
He blinked, opened the door, remembered his seat belt, and practically fell out of the car. I locked my car door, buckled back in, and drove away.
Dating Safety
I don’t regret having a fun night dancing with that groomsman. I don’t even regret giving him a ride home. It’s important to retain our humanity and our capacity for generosity, even while we’re trying to remain safe.
All of us should be free to make the choices we want to in the moment, even when it comes to dating safety. Nothing is ever our fault if it ends up being an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. And, we can also have some skills in order to know what to do if something happens. Just like this situation. I know many self-defense skills, but that doesn’t make me infallible. It doesn’t make me immune to boundary violations. It makes me just as human as anyone else.
This story illustrates how everyone is just as capable of keeping safe, whether they have self-defense skills or not. These are just a few of the dichotomies of self-defense:
1. Violence is never anyone’s fault, and we can learn skills to keep us safer;
2. Everyone already has all the skills they need to keep safe, and we can learn to improve these skills and add to them so we have many more choices and options in order to protect ourselves.
If you want to learn some dating safety skills, safe dating tips, and online dating safety strategies, reach out about our classes.
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